Stepparents Stepping Up

Audio By Carbonatix

When it comes to stepparents and stepchildren, blending can be a challenge! Although some families do a great job mixing together, other families really struggle trying to relate. Part of the problem may stem from people trying to grow their new family too fast. They want instantaneous results after having grown up in a world where most things are available immediately. 

It takes time to develop a loving relationship, whether it’s your own child or one who comes through adoption or marriage. Stepparents often think that because they fell in love, their kids will automatically love each other and they’ll instantly get along. That same thing happens when people get married. Just because you love your parents and siblings, it doesn’t mean your spouse will love them the same! Stepparents need to respect the children’s timeline and feelings. They can’t expect the children to all come to acceptance at the same time or in the same way. Every child will be different. Remember that this child’s world has been turned upside down. Everything that represents security in their life is gone and they are trying to turn it upright. 

Flexibility is an important ingredient when it comes to blending families because with so many different schedules to accommodate, things don’t always happen as scheduled. It’s his weekend, but she has a special mother/daughter event, so she wants to switch weekends. It’s her year to have them for Christmas, but this is the only year his grandparents will be around, so he wants to negotiate a change. 

With so many variables, it’s impossible to plan on anything you plan. Although it’s very tempting for parents to want to stick to the schedule and not miss an opportunity to see their children, it’s important that you allow your children flexibility to switch when something is important to them.

Parents should strive to focus on what is best for the children, not just what’s best for them. That means putting aside frustrations caused by the former spouse or other external factors and honing in on what will create the least amount of stress for the children. Parents must accept they will most likely not see their children every day, and that’s a tough pill to swallow. It’s part of the deal with divorce or breakups when kids are involved.

If you operate and make decisions out of humility and empathy and allow the children time to adjust to their new lifestyle, there will likely be more blending and less areas of separation.